The Hills: an aftermath update

The Hills adds drama to Hollywood (Photo by Oreos via Wikimedia)

The Hills is the most ridiculous, pretentious, disaster of a “reality” show. It’s filled with never ending love triangles, back stabbing, smack talking, and the most ridiculous dimbos (dimwits and bimbos) the media has ever introduced.  This is why I secretly watch it every week.

I know it’s bad for me and I probably lose intelligence points every time I watch, but it’s like a car accident on the street. Not the kind when you’re in your car and you pass by, but the kind where you’re standing on the street or in a nearby building. The kind that isn’t serious and nobody is injured, but somebody’s pissed their car is damaged.  It allows people to enjoy the drama of someone life without it affecting their own. It’s mindless entertainment. No thinking required.

So every week I will bring you an update from the boob tube along with darling commentary.  Anyone not willing to openly admit they’re fans, like me, can catch up on the dirty low down each week; just in case there were friends over and the DVR broke.

So to catch up…

Lauren made her escape at the end of last season, by not really shocking anyone with her “should I or shouldn’t I” dilemma over Spencer and Heidi’s wedding. She decided to oh-so-gracefully enter at the last minute, placing her blessing on Heidi, and then jumping ship from the drama queen scene (DQS) as soon as Heidi dedicated her life to the devil. I mean Spencer.

The end of last season couldn’t be complete without a precursor to this season. Kristin Cavallari makes her presence known at Speidi’s wedding with her grand “I’m gonna ruin everybody” strut to her seat. Afterall, she introduced Heidi and Spencer, and what would a good friend be then to not come back and ruin other relationships. That’s why Justin Bobby is so perfect to begin with.Kristin, Justin, Audrina, oh my!

I’ll admit that Audrina needed to cut off that cancerous mess a long time ago. It would have been a lot easier to get over her “I love him, kinda, sort of, but we have a connection” feelings for Justin Bobby.  On the other hand, because she is still delusional that they had an actual relationship, I can see why she would be bummed to see Kristin interested.

In the first week’s episode everyone gathered for Speidi’s welcome home party, which didn’t make any sense since Speidi created the welcome home party for themselves. From their honeymoon.  Really? C’mon now. It was a honeymoon, not a warzone.

To continue on, Kristin enters the party and makes a beeline for Justin Bobby. Stephanie the superhero jumps in to save Audrina from this public display of conversation (that’s all it really was. No tongues or butt grabbing was involved). So a DQS breaks out and Kristin announces to Audrina, “It’s on Bitch!”

The newlyweds Spencer and Heidi go house shopping and Heidi’s maternal clock is flashing brighter than a sign on the Las Vegas strip.  Of course there’s conflict between the two potential homes. Heidi loves the first house with it’s Leave it Beaver quality. She jumps at the chance to show Spencer their potential nursery room to which Spencer responded, “What? It’s an empty room with nothing in it.” Heidi defends her peachy keen abode with, “Spencer, she (the realtor) said it was a nursery.” Good comeback. That’ll convince him.

Heidi’s love for the first house fizzled quickly as they looked at the second home with more of a “no children allowed” quality. As Heidi expresses the only good comment she had for the house, Spencer takes the moment as an opening to announce he already put a down payment because apparently it’s his way or the lame way. Do you think Spencer wants kids anytime soon?

The episode ends with tons more of DQS’s between Audrina and Kristin, since Kristin is still in hot pursuit of Justin Bobby. Why is it that someone with so many douche bag qualities has women fighting over him? Oh wait I forgot. Audrina isn’t really fighting over him; she’s just upset that Kristin would want to date someone who she’s not even seeing. Silly me.

On to this week’s episode…

After all of the quarrels with Audrina in the episode prior, Kristin decides to be an adult and wants to have lunch with Audrina to talk things over before she goes any further with Justin Bobby. Audrina doesn’t want to give Kristin a chance and permanently puts Kristin on her no love list. After being blown off by Audrina, Kristin calls Lo to join her and explain the hurt she felt when Audrina didn’t show. However, instead of moping Kristin takes the no lunch date as a big F-U and decides to pursue Justin Bobby regardless of what Audrina thinks.

Stephanie drops in on Speidi and their mansion in the hills to say hello. She ends up in a conversation about Spencer’s maturity, with Heidi arguing that if they had a baby, it would force Spencer to grow up. Good idea. Let there be a spawn of Speidi, that’ll get Spencer to fit Heidi’s image.  I almost choked on my gum when Spencer said they weren’t mature enough for children because I actually agree with him.  It also shocked me because I think it’s the first time Spencer was logical about something.

The neighbors drop by with their nephew Enzo and Heidi falls in love while Spencer is worried. After Spencer comes home to Heidi hanging out with Enzo and offering cookies, he breaks up the make believe family sending Enzo on his way. Poor little Enzo; all he wanted was to show his awesome Wii skills to his new buddy Spencer.

Audrina and Lo opt for a concert showcase for a new Epic Records band called Vedera while everyone else is at the grand opening of Playhouse.  Things steam up at the Playhouse between Kristin and Justin. The always rough, dirty, and hobo looking Justin walks into Playhouse with Kristin looking shaved, tan and debonair. As the duo open up to each other they make an agreement not to judge each other by outside opinions; only through the experiences between each other and their first kiss takes place. Aww, how cute.

Stephanie, the motor mouth of gossip, catches up with Audrina the next day to tell her the unsettling news about Kristin and Justin locking lips. Of course Audrina isn’t hurt because of the non-feeling she has for Justin and explains that Justin is only playing Kristin; that’s her concern.  It couldn’t possibly be for any other reason than to worry about man-eater Kristin. She hates her, she’s concerned for her; it makes total sense.

The episode ends with Justin taking Kristin on her first motorcycle ride ending with exchanges over seafood and beer.  I don’t know if it’s because they’re both totally arrogant that their perfect for each, but it looks like those two paring up may not be so bad.

Click back to San Diego Entertainer next week, to get a whole new dish on the after math of The Hills.