Films to watch out for: “The Human Centipede 2” and “Shark Attack 3”

By the time you read this column, you might have just finished eating.  I bring that up because of the two movies being talked about today, one will probably go down in the record books as being the creepiest movie ever made, and the other may join the ranks as being the cheesiest.  Either way, consider yourself warned because the following two movies could make you lose your lunch (not really, but they’re both pretty damn weird).

Remember about a year ago when you first heard about a movie called “The Human Centipede” and you thought to yourself, “Gee, I wonder what that’s all about?”  Then you either rented it or read a description and found out that, of course, the main plot was about a German doctor who kidnaps tourists and sews them together, mouth to rear end, forming a human centipede, remember that?

Who can forget?

Well good news, the trailer for “The Human Centipede 2” was released, and there’s really no better way to describe it than all sorts of insane looking.

Actually, there were two trailers released, one of which shows a few crazy scenes from the new movie, and another that shows individuals sitting in a room watching a sneak peak of the full length and either throwing up or pounding on the door begging to be let out of the screening room.   Sounds promising.

Dutch filmmaker Tom Six has returned to the director’s chair for the second installment of “The Human Centipede,” which is set to hit theaters in the United States October 6.  The film has already been banned in the United Kingdom for its sexually violent plotline, and honestly, it’s not hard to see why.  The plot of “The Human Centipede 2,” according to IMDB, goes a little something like this:

“It’s the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film in the series, The Human Centipede, and uses sandpaper to pleasure himself whilst watching the film.  He decides to create a “human centipede” of his own, this time comprised of 12 victims as opposed to the first film’s three . . .”

The end of that summary is literally too disturbing to type, so you can read it yourself on IMDB should you choose.  Needless to say, the debate is on as to whether horror movies have gone too far.  All I can say is that, in order to get the images of “The Human Centipede 2” out of my head, I tried as hard as possible to think of a funny movie and a particular line from the 90’s classic Billy Madison came to mind.  Consider yourself advised; see this movie at your own mental risk.  But should you choose to, and should you happen to like it, in my opinion, “you will be awarded no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

And I could probably say the same thing about this next movie as it is every bit ridiculous as the first although, thankfully, does not feature characters sewn together mouth to anus.  Instead, it features a shark swallowing an entire lifeboat of people whole and the most ridiculous and graphic pick-up line ever uttered in a movie.  Again, sounds promising.

With the return of the scary shark movie trend these days, along with the recent shark sightings in San Diego, the 2002 flop film “Shark Attack 3: Megalodon” is again rising to the surface.

Think “Jaws” meets “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” with this gem.  The plot of two scientists who find a giant shark tooth of the coast of Mexico and realize that the shark they thought was dead in “Shark Attack 2” is alive and hunting again is comical, but not nearly as much as the scene in which a lifeboat full of people gets swallowed whole by terribly digitally enhanced shark that’s the size of a semi-truck.

And not to give away the ending, but in that same scene the bad guy who is trying to escape on a jet ski drives right into the mouth of the awaiting shark as well.  But maybe the best part about the whole thing is that the movie is completely serious in it’s ridiculousness.  Although it was filmed in 2001 it looks like a movie from the 80’s, and it doesn’t even try to hide it.  So if you’re bored after seeing “Shark Night 3D” and feel like a comical look at a shark, check out “Shark Attack 3.”  Basically, it’s so stupid, you’ll end up laughing.

And hey, it’s better than watching a movie in which a person’s mouth gets sewn to another person’s anus.

Sorry, I’ll pay for your next lunch if you just lost it.

photos courtesy of chamber of fear via flickr