Why is Tila Tequila important America?

This column in no way reflects the opinion of The Entertainer, it is the personal opinion of the writer.

Provided by 'Sarahinvegas' via Flickr

“Oh my God Becky, did you hear what Shawne Merriman did over the weekend?” Sarah exclaimed to Sarah as they enjoyed a nice cup of some Fro-Yo (Frozen Yogurt). Becky responded in a despondent tone with, “I totally heard, that is so not cool. Tila is so pretty and such a good person, she doesn’t deserve that.” Then both girls stood up and on put their Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, checked their I-Phones and walked off into the sunset. Getting in the car, they turned the jams up in their Honda Civic and rocked out to Britney Spears Toxic song while fading into the distance. The slow subtle pumping of the bass still haunts my dreams to this day.

As I heard this conversation at one of my local yogurt shops, I couldn’t help but be curious on the subject matter of their encounter. Immediately after I drudged through the crowd and received my double-scoop peanut butter gut buster I ran home.

Sitting down near my computer I ran the name Tila Tequila through Google’s search engine or as I like to call it “the Fifth estate.” Kapow! Thousands of links bombarded my synapse, “Tila gets Choked out by Merriman,” “Tequila man-handled,” “and Merriman scissors Tequila with his hands,” everything you can think of involving the incident that occurred between the presumably happy couple this Labor Day weekend was on Google.

Reading one of the articles I could barely get through the first lines of the piece. Immediately after I read “drunk Tila Tequila” my brain turned to mush and I blacked out. All of a sudden I was in a mystery land, and could you believe it, I myself was on a Tila reality show. However, this show was different. Instead of me participating in the show I was a fly on the wall and was witness to all that transpired, and I had the uncanny ability to enter the minds and houses of all the viewers. Needless to say, I was a super fly that was born and the world was my oyster. This is my story…

Enjoying my new power I watched the first shows of Tila Tequila: A Shot of love. At first I thought the show was somewhat lacking and overall a disappointment, then the shit hit the fan. Shots off people’s nipples, bodies piling on top of each other like a massive Roman orgy, I knew I was in for the ride of my life.

Three weeks into the show I had actually grown quite fond of Tila’s dung droppings, always nutty and a taste of chicken seemed to be the recurring them. I got to know her a bit as I enjoyed a meal. She seemed like an average girl, but there was something odd. I wondered to myself why this girl who seems somewhat normal (her poo tasted normal enough) is  so different? Then I thought “hey I haven’t used my other powers, maybe I can use them to discover the question that lies within me.”

Flapping my little wings I realized I had no idea how to harness the transportation process that would grant me access to the minds of the masses, and then it happened as Tila slept. Taking my normal position on her right side pillow, I noticed a glimmering light coming out of her right ear. Hey I’m a fly I can’t resist light alright, so sue me.

Approaching the light, I noticed Tila’s mind was filled with a crazy night club with all sorts of flies partying within it. I asked one of the inebriated patrons “where does this light lead?”

Slurring out his words, my fellow winged friend said, “No clue! Who cares, where watching Tila, damn!” I knew I had to venture on, I think the depravity of Tila’s mind had made them forget who they were and where they were going in life. So I forged forward, even with the wet t-shirt contest going on in the west wing of the club.

Getting closer to the light my surroundings begun to quickly change, the scantily clad flies that were at the entrance were no longer in plain view, but the light shined in full glory. Right before I hit the light a transient grabbed my leg and muttered.

“Beware what the light brings, it shows a world and a place we have all forgotten and will only bring you to a sad realization.” Falling down after the statement, the transient picked up a bottle of aged urine and drowned away his sorrow. His words did not squelch my curiosity, and I moved into the light.

ZAP! I was in a world filled with humans again, but yet I was still a fly. The first people I saw where young girls maybe around there 20’s or younger, who knows now a days, even with my 2000 eyes I couldn’t tell their age. Maybe it was the juicy butt shorts they were wearing or just the overall look of them but they seemed old enough.

Tila came on, “Hey I’m Tila. I’m looking for love, boom! Let me make a sham out of you… I mean a shot on you.” Cue music and the preview showed up for the show. There was Jimmy with his shirt off gyrating in all his douche-baggery, god I hate that Jimmy. Tila was enjoying herself as all the contestants vied for her affection, and then I heard it. The whispers of the minds of the girls soon ran over the dialogue of the show. Instead of Tila crying over lost love in two weeks, I heard the girl’s deepest thoughts.

The first said “I need to get that hot, I’m so fat. Why doesn’t my boyfriend have a chiseled body like Scott?” The other girl’s thoughts soon came onto the frequency, “We need to party like that. Taking off our clothes and acting like complete degenerates will get us respect, and a lot of guys.”

Just as I got accustomed to the voices, I warped to another home. This home was definitely not a girls home, the half-naked women and beer pong posters gave it a way; however he did have a “hang in there” poster with a small kitten on it, but it wasn’t the recurring theme. Sitting in front of the TV he was lifting weights, and clenching his biceps as the show came on.

“Hi, I’m Tila…yada, yada, yada…shot of love.” Then the same thing happened, his thoughts soon became louder than the show. “Oh yeah, that’s how I get girls. Lift weights, get pumped, act like a complete lush, get drunk, Jager bombs, and treat women like objects.” It was at this precise moment that I begun to realize that the show was inundating these individuals with all these false notions of reality, almost a dream world that consists of no reality. I needed to get my bearings and went outside and enjoyed a nice trash meal as I contemplated on the experience.

Tila is so popular and famous because she sells a false reality, a reality that everyone wants to be in but can’t, so they throw all moral character out and lose themselves in the pretenses of the show. I know your probably thinking that no fly could have such deep philosophical thoughts, well think about it people, flies get everywhere and we see everything. Who do you think told Plato to write the allegory of the cave? You guessed it, Flystrodamus, the greatest fly of all times, and contrary to popular belief flies are immortal that’s why we are everywhere, but I digress.

As I liquefied a stale BLT, the mayonnaise came pouring out and I had an epiphany much like Newton did with the apple and gravity. What if the dribble that is coming out of this BLT, that is sour and harmful to consume by humanity, is much like the dribble that MTV and mass media push out? Could it be possible that we have been feeding off the trash of the generations and generations of a docile society? Is this why someone like Tila has become so popular, and people actually care about her?

The answer has to be without a doubt, yes! Much like my fellow cohorts who feed off the leftovers and trash that you humans throw out, you too have become flies. Flies feeding off the waste of reality shows and letting it consume your life.

Oh my God, Tila isn’t someone to idolize, she is someone to fear. Not to fear for her curvy good looks, and luscious cheeks, no. She is to fear for what she represents, a single mass idea that what she is throwing out is edible, that it is pertinent and means something to us. I need to get back, I need to morph back into a human and spread the word.

Just then I woke up in my bed, and realized it was all a dream. Walking outside to enjoy my normal morning cigarette, I reveled in the dream. Striking the lighter I quickly noticed I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. All cars had Tila pictures on them, girls all wore Uggs with mini-skirts and were chatting on their I-Phones, Tila was everywhere. Boys were shooting shots out of girl’s bosoms in broad day light. Then I couldn’t believe my eyes, a 10 year old girl was shooting a shot out of a beer bong while listening to the humps song, it was too late.

See what I’m saying America?